Remember to breathe that air...

Sometimes that's how I feel. Like it's a struggle just to get through the day, doing the ordinary things that people do. Good thing I have so many things in my life to make me laugh. Like when my brother-in-law drunk dials me. He says my name about ten times in various ways. Then, after I ask what he's doing, he tells me he's just breathing some air. Then he asks if I can see the moon. Nope, I'm in Wally World so that's a negative. Oh well, he says, neither can I. 

Or when I have to meet with Pres. He randomly asks if I'm going on dates. Nope. Haven't been on one of those in a few years. Then he drops the bomb. "What do you think of MB?" Really?!? Out of all the people in the whole wide world, that's who he suggests? I couldn't even say anything. I was totally speeachless. All I could do was nod no. The nervous laugh didn't even come out. When he pressed me about it, I told Pres the proposed date annoys me a little. Pres busted up laughing. Told me he thought I was gonna say I had a crush on him. WRONG! Then Pres surprised me again by telling me I'd changed a lot in six months. He wasn't quite sure what it was, but to keep on. 

I've never been one to accept compliments very graciously. It usually turns pretty awkward. I suppose the good thing is it gets me to do a little self-examining. Someone told me the other day I just keep impressing them. How, I have no clue. I don't thing there's anything exceptional about me. I failed at the not being critical stint, although lately I've found it easier to be in the same room with certain people. I've tried to make improvements on my fellowshipping abilities, as well as focusing more on the important people in my life. No se how successful I've been, though. 

I try to let my light shine, but sometimes it's hard when I'm standing in the middle of a downpour...

I'm a kayak, hear me roar...

I like to think I'm independent. I pay bills myself. I cook meals myself. I do laundry myself. I grocery shop myself. I book trips myself. I travel by myself. I make decisions myself. I haven't lived with my family in over two years. I'm single, and I like to think I'm pretty good at it. I get frustrated when I need to rely on other people to do something for me. Lately, I've been feeling so independent that I feel comfortable going to the movies or eating out alone. Kind of a huge step for me. However, there are some things that still frighten me. 

One such thing is living by my lonesome. The thought is terrifying. It's silly when I think about it, because I practically live alone right now. The roomies are hardly ever home. But there are roomies. I can say goodbye to that in less than a month. Gma and I were talking and she said are you okay with that? Well, not really, but I'll just have to work on that. What is it about simply having a roommate that brings a sense of safety? Thankfully mi padre is going to come up to help move me into the new apartment. Maybe I'll feel a little more peace after getting his endorsement of the place. And once I get a microwave and a vacuum...

I've reached a point in my life where I'm happy with my single status. I can't quite remember the last time I went on a date. Besides, I don't feel like I have time to commit to a relationship. Someday those feelings will change, I'm sure. I hope the future holds someone who will tell me "I just like to see you happy", and that when that time comes I will be content with letting go of some of my more independent tendencies. 

My satisfaction with my life at this point comes in part from my family. I've had the chance to spend some quality time with everyone this summer. Even Dad. I think he likes to make me cry. Not in a bad way. We always get into discussions that bring out the emotional in me, though. I can count on him to always be totally honest with me, even though he can be a bit blunt at times. We were talking one night about character flaws, and I was curious as to what he thought mine was. Of course he told me. People get the impression that my parents must have been pleased as punch with me while I was growing up. Not the case. I was a total red-headed brat. I mean, I didn't cause trouble...unless I was at home. I probably got more spankings than my sister and brother combined. However, he told me, like he'd told his boss earlier that week, that all that nonsense was fine because now, I was just a NICE girl. Very ironic as I struggled with my girls in our mission to not be critical of others. I hope I can live up to that sentiment...

My brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish...

Father's Day. Summer. Sunday. Reveling in the return. Bfast and pedis. Sports' night. My girls. Great news. New car. Rain. Missing my married/moved peeps. Chicago. DY. Popular. Fav boy band songs. Cousins. Thanksgiving. Beer. Dinner with Dad. The lake. Sunburns. Medicine. ER. Grandparents. Road Trip. Deer sign. Missourri. My boyfriend. RM. The Elders. Sushi. My mind seems so disconnected. Or I just can't concentrate. Sometimes it's a little frustrating, but far better than the times where I seem to be engulfed in a grey little cloud and my thoughts are consumed with whatever is dragging me down while I try to fake it to everyone else. I think I probably suck at the whole faking it thing because I've come to realize my face is much more expressive than I would like, but I still try. 

There was no faking it this week, though. I had such a great welcome back. It felt so right. FHE was a blast. I was a little sad we did famous people instead of animals, but you can't ever please everyone, right? And confession...for what if, that was my question about the missionaries being on time to dinner. Sorry Rach, hope you didn't get blamed for that one. Speaking of missionaries, they still make fun of me a little, but I've come to the realization that I think Elder Hansen was the instigator. I love the reasoning behind the teasing. It might not even be true but it makes it legit in my mind. I love that the Elders get to go to sports night. They really help the numbers, especially on the weeks where everyone decides not to go. In my mind, I am terrible at sports. Well, there are lots of sports that I actually am awful at, but I've come to realize that some sports I just need a little warm up. And then I'm not so bad. Perhaps not good, but not bad. Hanging out with people from the branch is always fun. I realize I'm not a super fellowshipper like some people I know, but I do like that I can be friends with persons I don't hang out with all the time. And I like knowing that these people might occasionally invite me to activities that aren't the usual. This week was full of surprises, one of them being the dance. I know it's not really fair to judge something before it happens, but I often go to things with preconceived notions. Right or wrong, I love when I am pleasantly surprised. I love dancing the night away with my Uni peeps! I'm even okay with that making for a late night to my semi-early morning. There are few things that can beat breakfast and pedis with some of my fav girls in the whole wide world. Especially when it's a first! I suppose it probably wasn't the most prudent idea, seeing how I'll be incomeless for approximately two months by the time I'm scheduled to work again. 

But money can't always control your decisions. That was the logic I used when I promptly went out to buy some peep toes to show off the pedi at church. Now, I'm not generally one for heels; they tend to give me the stature of a giant, and quite frankly, make me feel very uncomfortable. Yesterday was different for some reason. They just felt right. I thought, I can get used to this, and boys, maybe you should as well.  Wearing them did make me feel slightly guilty, though. Perhaps it was all the talk of fathers, which made me think of how frugal my dad is. In this case, frugal is the nice way to say cheap, penny-pincher, tightwad. Granted, he has gotten a little more generous in his "old age", but I've already inherited many of his economics. Still, sadly, the reserves for the Bank of Pam are dwindling. It's amazing what traveling will do to the funds...

Oh the price of fun...

First off, I feel very remiss in my friend praising. Huge shout out to the Uni Branch...who made one Saturday complete when I got home at the right moment to meet the mailman who had a huge package with my name on it! I felt honored to be the recipient of, not one message in a bottle, but many...and to have an FHE in my honor! haha I missed my girls, and dudes...but I think mostly my girls. 

So, don't be alarmed by the story that follows. All is well. At the time it wasn't even a problem, mostly just embarrassing. I don't really know why it happened. Gma said because I didn't get enough sleep while Dad was visiting last weekend, they said dehydration. Whatever it was, it made for an exciting Monday, and a complete experience at the hospital. So I had been at work about an hour and one of the pharmacists suggested I go with one of the other pharmacists on his rounds that morning, just to see what it was like. I was stoked! So we went up to the ICU and he was doing his thing. I suddenly got very nauseous and my skin started prickling. I thought maybe I should sit down, but was worried it was inappropriate. The pharmacist turned to me to ask if I wanted to go back to the pharmacy, and next thing I knew I was on the floor with the doctor and nurse and pharmacist firing questions at me. Are you diabetic? Pregnant? Has this ever happened? Did you eat breakfast? Get a wheelchair and take her to the ER! So I spent the next 4 hours in the ER while they pumped fluids into me and determined I wasn't pregnant. Good to know. 

I'm not really sure why this is, but I was reflecting on things during my last week at work, and I realized I kind of enjoy doing the mundane jobs at work. Weird. Maybe because it brings a sense of order, or maybe my brain is tired. I was trying to decide if it was good, or should I consider it a character flaw? Should I be using my knowledge more, or is it ok to find a kind of escape in the ordinary?

Something not ordinary? My weekend at the lake. I was a little nervous for a few reasons. First, I printed the directions then left them at the house. Brilliant move. Luckily I'd been there for youth conference a few years before. Second, they gave me some meds after my little ER incident that make me sensitive to the sun...good thing I'm wired to burn with the mere thought of the sun. However, that also ended well with my body only being slightly rosier than it was when my day in the sun began. Third, how were the sleeping arrangements gonna be? Somehow, our two-bed room ended up with 10, ten, T-E-N, girls in it, and I was one of the many assigned to the floor. K and I opted to sleep in the car. After many laughs, all day on the boat with some dudes from Cruces (and other random people in the AM and PM), and tubing, I was exhausted and ready to head back to the 'Burque! When I woke up this morning I had to remind myself how fun this weekend was, and no, I did NOT get hit with a bus. 

Oh countdowns...

The count is down to four days! I'm pretty ecstatic. I'm just worried that I won't have time for all the people I want to have time for before I leave...we'll see how it works out. So far I think I've done fairly well. A week ago I had an amazing Saturday morning/afternoon (probably was more afternoon than morning...dang dealership!) with Mel, some waffles, and some Pauly Shore. Maybe I'll get to see the paint job before I leave? And this past Friday I got to see Leah Kate, and the little baby bump! We went to this cute little restaurant in Mesilla, about a block from my house...the waiter told us that table would forever be ours so we took that as our cue to leave. And of course I've been spending lots of time with the fam. Dinner with my mom last week, weekends at my sister's after hitting up the Little Man's t-ball games, a weekend visit from mi padre, going to the single's ward with the little bro, living with the gparents. 

The hospital is going alright. I have a feeling I probably won't miss it, but I haven't hated it. I really enjoy the people I work with, but find it a little annoying when asked to sort the mail. Really?!? I suppose I should have known I was paying 11 grand a year to learn how to sort mail. Hopefully this week I'll get to see more of the things the pharmacists actually do- I am going to be a pharmacist when I graduate, right? Plus, I'm not quite sure how I feel about hospitals. I have a feeling they kinda freak me out, though. One day I had to go visit all the floors and I realized the 2nd floor (labor and delivery/post partum recovery) is just as creepy, if not more so, than the 5th floor (psych ward/peds...whoever thought putting crazies with sick little kids was a good idea is probably wrong, just my opinion). Oh, and good thing I never got the memo that part of the hospital uniform is crocs. Well, not officially but pretty much everyone wears them. 

Oh, and good story. Well, probably not, but whatev. So I'm at work one day, counting down the hours...two more! And one of the techs showed up. He had been on vacation so was MIA my first week there.  Anyway, he introduced himself to me, "Hi, I'm George." Uh, I already knew that...cause I met you on Sunday...thanks for remembering. "Oh, nice to meet you. I'm Pam." I don't really know why I didn't say anything then. I just went along with it like I didn't know who he was. But I did tell him later and he felt really bad. Oh well. At least once I said something he actually remembered meeting me at church. I'm glad I'm not totally forgettable...

P.S. Happy June everyone!

Oh Life!

Wow, I knew I sucked at the whole blogging thing....but I hadn't realized it had been since February! I think part of it was things seemed a little grey there for a while...much like the skies have been lately (yay for rain!), however, without all the excitement. I have to admit, I heart the rain, and I heart the coolness, and I heart the smell, and I heart having a great excuse to curl up on the couch and do nothing. Oh, and instead of loving long walks on the beach, I love walks in the rain...long or short. 

With a few exceptions, I'd have to say life is pretty darn good! I got to see my lil brother graduate. Not gonna lie, I said a little prayer of thanksgiving that it actually happened! The graduation brought my dad into town. And when my dad, sister, brother-in-law, and I get to together, we have this little tradition of playing spades. Amaru and I pretty much kicked butt. I've now completed two of the four Sundays here in town. I miss my little branch. I mean, the ward down here is a lot more friendly than I remember, and I got to see my newly returned missionary friend (who gives AMAZING lessons), but I miss having friends! I guess it might be good to give the social life a lil rest, though. 

I worked four 10s this week...I figured working two more hours a day was worth having a day off. I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole hospital thing. Perhaps that's because even though I finished a full week's worth of my rotation, I still have no clue what the pharmacists actually do. One thing I do know: if you want a job where you get to sit, work as a pharmacist at Memorial Medical Center. Something that is not common to those that work retail. 

Oh, are you ready for some news? Friday, my day off, Gma and Sister and I went shopping. It was quite a success. I mean, we only made one purchase, but that's ok. I am now the owner of a new car (well, new-used...fairly unused). Did I mention it has a sunroof? AND tinted windows? Buh-bye Bertha the Bonneville, as Nash so kindly named her. Oh, and not only did I get a new car, I got to learn a skill I've secretly been wanting to learn for quite some time. I can drive a standard now, and only stall every once in a while! I know, impressive. haha I figured it was a pretty important skill to have if I wanted to be able to drive said new car. 

I have realized some things this week. Like I am not a fan of baby showers. All those stupid games...like the one where I realize I'm fatter than the 8-month prego lady. Oh, and who thought it was a good idea to have a shower so fancy I thought I was at a tea party instead? Cause it wasn't...a good idea. Oh, and I miss my friends. A lot. I'm going to blame all the awkward and bizarre dreams that I've been dreaming this week on that reason. Oh well, life is still good!

Oh Valentine's Day...

It makes me laugh to think how much changes in a year...and how much people change. I am pretty sure I was one of those bitter, I-hate-my-life girls last year; probably the bestie didn't help that any. I think the reason I wasn't more sour last year is cause I was trying to be cheerful for her! haha But this year was amazing. I think the key was getting back to a simpler way of Valentine's Day. For FHE we made little boxes and all brought valentines...you know how you do in elementary school? Where there is no discrimination? Well, maybe there still is a bit, but it's not as noticeable. It was amazingly fun! The whole decorating fun little mailboxes didn't hurt any (it made me think about all the things I heart-such as the 505, but NOT the 575)...neither did making our surprise t-shirts for the special boys in our lives. I heart the Mafia! 

I have some new goals as of this week, also. I need to get buff. Although I was totally stoked to go climbing (so stoked I skipped choir-I think the Pug is going to kill me; and I was a failure in the invites...still feeling really bad about it!!!) I wasn't really able to do much. Darn not having any upper body strength. Unfortunately I'm not just being modest here-I really don't have any upper body strength. Hence the get buff goal. 

So how do we end an amazingly not depressing week? By dancing the night away, of course. I mean, I just wanna dance! Too bad it wasn't drama free, cause I was really looking forward to just being crazy. I guess some other people were, too...except their idea of crazy involved a lil imbibing. Well, lets just focus on some positive stuff...that was the goal last night. Stay positive. So here goes... 1. Our branch is so awesome that when we started a train and then kinda broke up, other people started another one...but we did't feel the need to join. 2. There were so many dudes chillin with us that I successfully avoided all hoverers for the night. 3. We have awesome moves. 4. We love to laugh at our awesome moves. 5. There was not one song I felt the need to sit out on...nor was there one song I sat out on...period. 6. I got to wear my I heart Adam...and Goonie shirt...and I loved it! Oh man, what a night. Oh, and P.S. Remind me never to drink an energy drink again...especially on an empty stomach. Feeling like you're going to hurl all night is no bueno...and your body WILL hate you!...