Oh moments...

So sometimes I have these moments in my life. They're kind of traumatizing. And I wish that I could block them out of my memory (but apparently the only things I'm good at blocking out of my memory are the things I learn at school...that I need to remember). Instead, I replay them over and over in my head, 24/7. It's awful. And when I finally am able to push it to the back of my mind, something will get me thinking about it again and there's the movie reel- on repeat- again. 

Why is it harder to remember the funny memories, yet so easy to flashback to the horrible ones? I mean, if I had the conversation I had with my dad the other day on repeat, I would be laughing hysterically all day long! My grandparents gave me a chair a few months ago, for the new apartment. Unfortunately, I had to wait for mi padre to bring it up...cause he's the one with the truck. Well, he finally decided to come up. He told me if he could fit the chair inside the truck, he would bring it (lets keep in mind that this chair in my mind is like a little midget chair). If he had to put it on the dog box on the back of the truck, it was a no-go. Dad! I've been waiting ever since I moved in for this chair! His reply? Pam, I'm not going to put it on the box and look like a hillbilly. Although it would be nice to sit in tonight when I'm out hunting, sitting in the dark, listening to the dogs. (Oh, did I mention it's a pink chair?) But it would only be worth it if you were there to take a picture...and you won't be so it's not gonna happen. And that is why I love my dad. Turns out my neighbor also thinks he's cool. And pretty much everyone I know that's ever met him. Try not to be too jealous...

Oh telenovelas...

Have you ever watched a soap opera and actually believed what you were watching? Anytime I've seen the things (I'll admit, there was a time in my youth where I faithfully watched Days of our Lives...how foolish we can be sometimes...), I can't help but think "Yeah right, that would NEVER happen!" I was talking with my sister one day and we concluded that our lives are like soap operas. Now, we were referring to the crappy stuff that sometimes happens in our lives (which, on the rare occasions when I put my life into perspective (I'll work on it, ok?), I realize isn't that bad); this thought has stuck with me since that conversation, though, and I've come to the conclusion that I could look at it another way. If I were to tell my story to a complete stranger, perhaps they would never believe all the blessings I have in my life. Or how ordinary my life is, despite the occasional tribulations that I let make my heart heavy. 

I mean, who studies on Halloween? Oh, right, that's me. But that's ok. I have amazing people in my life who make up for my lame-sauceness. Take, for instance, the ever watchful RSP/VT girl who helps me while I'm having my allergy induced breakdown, then takes time out of her busy Sabbath to bring me supplies. Or the other VT girl who skips out on FHE with me to watch a little Whip It. Or my married friends who take time out of their busy married lives to spend a little QT with me (i.e. Tresann and J- I know he wasn't technically there, but would have been if possible; Katie and Rich- providing much needed company/nourishment; Mel and Terry- thanks again for the chile!; Leah and Corby- I almost jumped in my car that day to go home and see Baby Lewis...dang school!). I've dealt with rejection, but I've also had moments that make me slightly uncomfortable just because I don't deal well with compliments (i.e. J and R announcing to the class that I'm their "Angel"; another branch member telling me someone would have to be stupid/crazy/gay to not be interested if they'd caught my eye; D and M constantly remarking on my smarts...and never letting me pay during our study sessions/food festivals). 

I have moments everyday that make me laugh (goodbye class/hello rainstorm, losing my shoe in the river running down Lomas, and walking home in a slight downpour), or cry (losing my planner, my ID, some confidence), moments where I have the opportunity to serve, or learn, or dance, or ponder. Welcome to my life...a telenovela.

Oh amazingness!...

Do you like how you can add -ness to just about any word and it makes it that much better?! haha Certain people like to make fun of me for that, telling me how I make up words (where sometimes they actually are legit words), but I think really it's just jealousy of my geniusness! 

Life is grand. It kinda seemed like a dump there for a bit, but things have started to get better! The bestie came to town mid-August. It was pretty much amazing. We road tripped, made some funny bets, got some speeding tickets (just one actually, and it was mine, surprise! ), treed some bear (a mama and cub), visited friends, watched GG (Gilmore Girls, not Gossip Girl, though I am a fan of both shows), celebrated life, and got some cholos! 

Then there was the embarrassing weekend at church where I felt like months worth of prayers were being answered and I was just plain overwhelmed. Good thing that particular Sunday of crying during the majority of sacrament happened to coincide with the announcement of the transfer of one of our long-time missionaries. Thank you Pres for announcing to everyone that I didn't need to cry about Elder Davis leaving...

I love my awkward life. Like how I went to the store one Saturday night instead of hanging out with anyone, deciding that since I wouldn't see anyone because they all had plans it would be fine to go in my PJs. And who needs a bra? Just throw a jacket on! I should have known I would actually see a full-sized van full of my friends. 

I love my non-awkward life also! I have a newfound appreciation for Labor Day, and the awesomeness of the Annual Labor Day Zoo Extravaganza, tatts included. Shopping was fun; the bowls are my favorites, and the dress still makes me smile! Oh, and in case you didn't already know, I heart my amazing friends! :) I also heart when long-lost-married/fallen-off-the-face-of-the-earth VT girls come to singles' dances. ;) haha Just joshing. She's done an excellent job of trying to stay involved. Not joking that she came to dance the night away with us, though. It was a night full of squeals of delight! And one sad face when my camera broke. And one awkward face when I went to dine with a fellow and he sat on the same side of the booth as me. It was just the two of us. I judged him a little. I'll try to work on that. 

And the most recent excellentness of my life included one weekend in LC. What beats bowling the worst game of your entire life at your Little Man's party to celebrate his 6 years of life, running around like a crazy person to visit family members/important married friends (because of course it's much too difficult for them to gather to one place at one time), and developing a new little crush? I can only think of one possibility. Perhaps it would be R giving J the sex talk...

Remember to breathe that air...

Sometimes that's how I feel. Like it's a struggle just to get through the day, doing the ordinary things that people do. Good thing I have so many things in my life to make me laugh. Like when my brother-in-law drunk dials me. He says my name about ten times in various ways. Then, after I ask what he's doing, he tells me he's just breathing some air. Then he asks if I can see the moon. Nope, I'm in Wally World so that's a negative. Oh well, he says, neither can I. 

Or when I have to meet with Pres. He randomly asks if I'm going on dates. Nope. Haven't been on one of those in a few years. Then he drops the bomb. "What do you think of MB?" Really?!? Out of all the people in the whole wide world, that's who he suggests? I couldn't even say anything. I was totally speeachless. All I could do was nod no. The nervous laugh didn't even come out. When he pressed me about it, I told Pres the proposed date annoys me a little. Pres busted up laughing. Told me he thought I was gonna say I had a crush on him. WRONG! Then Pres surprised me again by telling me I'd changed a lot in six months. He wasn't quite sure what it was, but to keep on. 

I've never been one to accept compliments very graciously. It usually turns pretty awkward. I suppose the good thing is it gets me to do a little self-examining. Someone told me the other day I just keep impressing them. How, I have no clue. I don't thing there's anything exceptional about me. I failed at the not being critical stint, although lately I've found it easier to be in the same room with certain people. I've tried to make improvements on my fellowshipping abilities, as well as focusing more on the important people in my life. No se how successful I've been, though. 

I try to let my light shine, but sometimes it's hard when I'm standing in the middle of a downpour...

I'm a kayak, hear me roar...

I like to think I'm independent. I pay bills myself. I cook meals myself. I do laundry myself. I grocery shop myself. I book trips myself. I travel by myself. I make decisions myself. I haven't lived with my family in over two years. I'm single, and I like to think I'm pretty good at it. I get frustrated when I need to rely on other people to do something for me. Lately, I've been feeling so independent that I feel comfortable going to the movies or eating out alone. Kind of a huge step for me. However, there are some things that still frighten me. 

One such thing is living by my lonesome. The thought is terrifying. It's silly when I think about it, because I practically live alone right now. The roomies are hardly ever home. But there are roomies. I can say goodbye to that in less than a month. Gma and I were talking and she said are you okay with that? Well, not really, but I'll just have to work on that. What is it about simply having a roommate that brings a sense of safety? Thankfully mi padre is going to come up to help move me into the new apartment. Maybe I'll feel a little more peace after getting his endorsement of the place. And once I get a microwave and a vacuum...

I've reached a point in my life where I'm happy with my single status. I can't quite remember the last time I went on a date. Besides, I don't feel like I have time to commit to a relationship. Someday those feelings will change, I'm sure. I hope the future holds someone who will tell me "I just like to see you happy", and that when that time comes I will be content with letting go of some of my more independent tendencies. 

My satisfaction with my life at this point comes in part from my family. I've had the chance to spend some quality time with everyone this summer. Even Dad. I think he likes to make me cry. Not in a bad way. We always get into discussions that bring out the emotional in me, though. I can count on him to always be totally honest with me, even though he can be a bit blunt at times. We were talking one night about character flaws, and I was curious as to what he thought mine was. Of course he told me. People get the impression that my parents must have been pleased as punch with me while I was growing up. Not the case. I was a total red-headed brat. I mean, I didn't cause trouble...unless I was at home. I probably got more spankings than my sister and brother combined. However, he told me, like he'd told his boss earlier that week, that all that nonsense was fine because now, I was just a NICE girl. Very ironic as I struggled with my girls in our mission to not be critical of others. I hope I can live up to that sentiment...

My brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish...

Father's Day. Summer. Sunday. Reveling in the return. Bfast and pedis. Sports' night. My girls. Great news. New car. Rain. Missing my married/moved peeps. Chicago. DY. Popular. Fav boy band songs. Cousins. Thanksgiving. Beer. Dinner with Dad. The lake. Sunburns. Medicine. ER. Grandparents. Road Trip. Deer sign. Missourri. My boyfriend. RM. The Elders. Sushi. My mind seems so disconnected. Or I just can't concentrate. Sometimes it's a little frustrating, but far better than the times where I seem to be engulfed in a grey little cloud and my thoughts are consumed with whatever is dragging me down while I try to fake it to everyone else. I think I probably suck at the whole faking it thing because I've come to realize my face is much more expressive than I would like, but I still try. 

There was no faking it this week, though. I had such a great welcome back. It felt so right. FHE was a blast. I was a little sad we did famous people instead of animals, but you can't ever please everyone, right? And confession...for what if, that was my question about the missionaries being on time to dinner. Sorry Rach, hope you didn't get blamed for that one. Speaking of missionaries, they still make fun of me a little, but I've come to the realization that I think Elder Hansen was the instigator. I love the reasoning behind the teasing. It might not even be true but it makes it legit in my mind. I love that the Elders get to go to sports night. They really help the numbers, especially on the weeks where everyone decides not to go. In my mind, I am terrible at sports. Well, there are lots of sports that I actually am awful at, but I've come to realize that some sports I just need a little warm up. And then I'm not so bad. Perhaps not good, but not bad. Hanging out with people from the branch is always fun. I realize I'm not a super fellowshipper like some people I know, but I do like that I can be friends with persons I don't hang out with all the time. And I like knowing that these people might occasionally invite me to activities that aren't the usual. This week was full of surprises, one of them being the dance. I know it's not really fair to judge something before it happens, but I often go to things with preconceived notions. Right or wrong, I love when I am pleasantly surprised. I love dancing the night away with my Uni peeps! I'm even okay with that making for a late night to my semi-early morning. There are few things that can beat breakfast and pedis with some of my fav girls in the whole wide world. Especially when it's a first! I suppose it probably wasn't the most prudent idea, seeing how I'll be incomeless for approximately two months by the time I'm scheduled to work again. 

But money can't always control your decisions. That was the logic I used when I promptly went out to buy some peep toes to show off the pedi at church. Now, I'm not generally one for heels; they tend to give me the stature of a giant, and quite frankly, make me feel very uncomfortable. Yesterday was different for some reason. They just felt right. I thought, I can get used to this, and boys, maybe you should as well.  Wearing them did make me feel slightly guilty, though. Perhaps it was all the talk of fathers, which made me think of how frugal my dad is. In this case, frugal is the nice way to say cheap, penny-pincher, tightwad. Granted, he has gotten a little more generous in his "old age", but I've already inherited many of his economics. Still, sadly, the reserves for the Bank of Pam are dwindling. It's amazing what traveling will do to the funds...

Oh the price of fun...

First off, I feel very remiss in my friend praising. Huge shout out to the Uni Branch...who made one Saturday complete when I got home at the right moment to meet the mailman who had a huge package with my name on it! I felt honored to be the recipient of, not one message in a bottle, but many...and to have an FHE in my honor! haha I missed my girls, and dudes...but I think mostly my girls. 

So, don't be alarmed by the story that follows. All is well. At the time it wasn't even a problem, mostly just embarrassing. I don't really know why it happened. Gma said because I didn't get enough sleep while Dad was visiting last weekend, they said dehydration. Whatever it was, it made for an exciting Monday, and a complete experience at the hospital. So I had been at work about an hour and one of the pharmacists suggested I go with one of the other pharmacists on his rounds that morning, just to see what it was like. I was stoked! So we went up to the ICU and he was doing his thing. I suddenly got very nauseous and my skin started prickling. I thought maybe I should sit down, but was worried it was inappropriate. The pharmacist turned to me to ask if I wanted to go back to the pharmacy, and next thing I knew I was on the floor with the doctor and nurse and pharmacist firing questions at me. Are you diabetic? Pregnant? Has this ever happened? Did you eat breakfast? Get a wheelchair and take her to the ER! So I spent the next 4 hours in the ER while they pumped fluids into me and determined I wasn't pregnant. Good to know. 

I'm not really sure why this is, but I was reflecting on things during my last week at work, and I realized I kind of enjoy doing the mundane jobs at work. Weird. Maybe because it brings a sense of order, or maybe my brain is tired. I was trying to decide if it was good, or should I consider it a character flaw? Should I be using my knowledge more, or is it ok to find a kind of escape in the ordinary?

Something not ordinary? My weekend at the lake. I was a little nervous for a few reasons. First, I printed the directions then left them at the house. Brilliant move. Luckily I'd been there for youth conference a few years before. Second, they gave me some meds after my little ER incident that make me sensitive to the sun...good thing I'm wired to burn with the mere thought of the sun. However, that also ended well with my body only being slightly rosier than it was when my day in the sun began. Third, how were the sleeping arrangements gonna be? Somehow, our two-bed room ended up with 10, ten, T-E-N, girls in it, and I was one of the many assigned to the floor. K and I opted to sleep in the car. After many laughs, all day on the boat with some dudes from Cruces (and other random people in the AM and PM), and tubing, I was exhausted and ready to head back to the 'Burque! When I woke up this morning I had to remind myself how fun this weekend was, and no, I did NOT get hit with a bus.